


Scarred hearts

by AtPK



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eruri Week 2015, M/M, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 04:37:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4550712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtPK/pseuds/AtPK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eruri Week Drabble: Scars (Day 5) and Healing (Day 6) | NSFW | hints of past abusive relationships | hints of rape and the after effects</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scarred hearts

Levi listened from his spot behind Erwin’s desk, his elbow on the desk, hand propping up his chin. They were all talking shit. Hanji had just finished going on about the stall in the market that sold those warm cinnamon rolls she’d brought back the last time she’d been in the Capital. Mike’s stomach grumbled as if he could somehow smell them, all those long miles away.

“Perhaps you can run the next supply mission,” Erwin suggested. “And bring us back some more.”

“Do we have a budget for sweet delicacies?” she asked. “Or would it have to come out of my own pocket?”

“You already know the answer,”

She shrugged: “No harm in trying. Still, I think I will bring some back.”

“You haven’t tried them yet, have you Levi?” Erwin asked and Levi shook his head. “It’s settled then.”

The conversation wound on, meandering and quiet and slow, hopping from subject to subject like a stone skimming on water.

“What about you, Erwin?” Hanji asked. “Love or money?”

Erwin looked like he was thinking about it, his gaze jumping from one of them to the other before he eventually answered: “Love.”

Levi laughed, a short, scornful bark.

“I take it that means you’d choose money?”

“At least you can buy things with money,” Levi stated. “What can you do with love?”

Erwin blinked at him and frowned before turning to Mike: “I’m sure I know what you’d choose.”

“Love,” Mike laughed. “Give me the love of a good woman, and a soft bosom to sleep on, and I’ll be happy.”

“I’d have both,” Hanji piped in.

“Wait, I thought this was an either or,” Erwin chided.

“I never said that.”

It was a stupid conversation; none of them were ever going to end up with love or money; and it just proved to him once again what an idealist fool Erwin was.

“Don’t you believe in love?” Erwin asked just before he could slip out of the room behind Hanji and Mike.

Levi did believe in the love of a mother for her child, a love so strong that she would starve to see her child fed, that she would freeze to see her child warm, that she would do damnable things to make sure she had the money to get her child medicine when he was sick, but not enough to get herself better.

Levi did believe in the love of friends, a bond so strong that he would sacrifice everything for the chance to make their dreams come true, that he would relent to save them from harm, that he would kill every last Titan in his mission to avenge their deaths.

But the other type of love, in his experience, didn’t exist. There were only relationships where someone took and took and took from you until you had nothing left to give, and guilt tripped you into doing things you didn’t want to, and hurt you when you tried to walk away.

“Not the kind of love you’re talking about.” he shot back over his shoulder, as he closed the door shut behind him.

***

Levi’s skin crawled, itching and restricting and suffocating, and all he wanted was to be fucked into the floor, the wall, the desk; he didn’t fucking care where, he just wanted a release for the pressure behind his eyes. And Erwin was there, looking at him with concern in his eyes, telling him that it had been a difficult expedition for all of them, that it was never easy to lose so many soldiers, that he shouldn’t blame himself.

Levi listened, but didn’t really hear him, more focused on his hands, his lips.

“Erwin,”

Erwin stopped talking.

Levi stood up, sliding around the desk easily and pushing himself in between Erwin and the desk. Erwin stared up at him, doubt and maybe fear in his eyes and then Levi was kissing him. Biting. Bruising. Demanding. Levi ran his fingers through Erwin’s hair, gripping tight and pulling his head back to lick up along his jaw, nipping at his ear.

“Fuck me.”

Pulling. Pushing. Grabbing. Dragging. Levi wriggled his hand in under Erwin’s waist band. Gripping. Tugging.

“Fuck me.”

Erwin’s hands were large on his waist as he stood up, lifting Levi with him and pushing him back on the desk. Erwin was kissing him. Biting. Bruising. Demanding.

“Yes, like that.” Levi panted as Erwin reached down between them, fingers fumbling with belts, zippers. “Fuck me.”

He didn’t care that he wasn’t ready. He wanted it to hurt. He wanted the burn.

“Just do it.”

But Erwin stepped away from him, so fast it might have been Levi pushing him away.

“What’s wrong?” Levi demanded, breath ragged and heart pounding. “Where the fuck are you going?”

“Not like this.”

“You come back here,” Levi warned “And finish this.”

But Erwin was walking away. Levi leaned up on his elbows to watch him. He was actually fucking leaving. And if it weren’t for the way he paused after every other step, half turning back, before moving away again, Levi would have thought Erwin didn’t want him at all. He reached the door, hand on the door knob, not moving, and then he mumbled a low ‘fuck it’ and quickly left the room.

This had never happened before. All other times, when Levi had thrown himself at men, needy and demanding and putting himself entirely at their mercy, they had all been more than willing to take what was being offered. Erwin was the first person, ever, to not take advantage; the only one to not fuck him hard and fast and make him hurt.

Levi slumped back down on the desk, angry and frustrated and the pressure was still there, building up. He took himself in hand and jerked off quickly, the warm strings of cum spattering his clothes and Erwin’s desk. Levi smeared it on the soft wood, on the ink blotter, before sliding off the desk, sorting himself out and heading out of the office.

Erwin could clean his own fucking desk.

***

The next time he felt the pressure build, Levi once again turned to Erwin. It was late and Erwin was in his private room. Levi paused, his heartbeat pounding in his ears, before he knocked. It was another few nervous heartbeats before Erwin opened the door.

Levi saw the subtle change in his expression when Erwin saw him; an almost instant wariness.

“Levi,” he said, with a slight smile. “It’s late, shouldn’t you be resting?”

He was always so fucking kind and understanding; it made Levi want to punch him.

“If you don’t let me in, I’m just going to go to someone else.”

Erwin’s smile disappeared. He stared at Levi for several long silent minutes, and Levi was about to give up, when Erwin stepped aside and motioned for him to come in. Levi let out the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding, and ducked in under Erwin’s arm before he could change his mind and send Levi away.

“I’m not going to give you what you want,” Erwin said.

“I know.” Levi replied.

Levi’d been counting on. He was scared of where he’d go or what he’d do if left to his own devices.

Erwin nodded towards the sofa: “You can sleep there. I’ll get you a blanket.”

And he did, from his own bed.

“Thank you.”

Erwin turned away, and then turned back.

“You do know, don’t you?” he paused, licked his lips, looked unsure about what he was going to say. “You do know that sex doesn’t have to rough, don’t you?” Levi raised an eyebrow at him. “It doesn’t have to - hurt you. It can be - gentle.”

“Yeah, thanks for that.”

Levi lay down and pulled the blanket up over himself, covering his head and turning toward the back of the sofa, away from Erwin.

What the fuck did Erwin know about anything anyway?

***

This time, it was Erwin who came to him. Levi had been in the barracks most of the evening, sorting through personal items, putting them into boxes ready to be returned to their families. He’d written their names clearly on the boxes: Petra, Oluo, Gunther, Eld.

The pressure had slowly, slowly built up in him, as the reality settled in his skin - they weren’t coming back; they weren’t ever coming back. He sealed the last box, and turned away, heading up to his room, now on a corridor where all the other four rooms were inhabited by ghosts.

“Levi,” Erwin said.

“Erwin,” Levi said.

They stared at each other.

Levi didn’t want Erwin to hurt him this time. He just wanted Erwin.

Levi kissed him. Gentle. Hesitant. Pleading. Erwin lifted him and carried him the few steps to the bed. Erwin lay him down on the blanket. Erwin stroked his hair. Erwin trailed soft fingers down his cheek.

“Please,” Levi breathed, catching Erwin’s hand and kissing his fingers.

“No, Levi.” His voice was firm, but his eyes were soft, sad. Levi held Erwin’s hand in both of his, and Erwin knelt down on the floor next to the bed, letting Levi pull his arm in closer to his body, hugging it against him. Erwin continued to stroke Levi’s hair with his free hand.

It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t what he needed. The pressure was still there, gnawing at him, eating away at him. Erwin cradled his arm around Levi’s head, resting his own on the crook, his breath musing Levi’s hair. “I’m sorry.” Erwin murmured, and Levi’s heart hurt, the feeling so big he thought his heart was just going to explode and rain down like confetti over them both.

Erwin cleared his throat and then began to softly sing, a song that Levi thought he remembered from his childhood, something his mother had sung to him to help him sleep. Erwin couldn’t sing for shit, but his words still touched the very core of Levi’s soul.

***

“Levi,” Erwin croaked, and Levi turned away from the window, the light at his back. “Am I dead?”

“If you were, would this be heaven or hell then?”

“Heaven, I think.” Erwin smiled, weak. “Where would you be?”

“Wherever you are.” Levi answered without giving it a single thought. His heart pounded, every beat pulsing with relief and something else, an aching, aching - ache. “Is this what love feels like?”

Erwin’s eyes widened as he looked at Levi, his gaze searching Levi’s face. “I don’t know Levi, what does it feel like?”

“It feels as if my heart is trying to force it’s way out of my body to get closer to you.” Levi murmured. “I’ve been here the whole time you were,” he paused. “The whole time you were sleeping, because I didn’t want to leave in case you woke up, or in case you didn’t ever wake up. I wanted to be here, with you. I needed to be here. I was scared I wasn’t going to be able to ask you. Is this love?”

Levi thought maybe Erwin was going to remind him that he didn’t believe in love, but when he saw the solitary tear run from the corner of Erwin’s eye to his hair line, he knew better.

“I hope so, Levi.”

He tried to move his right arm and grimaced in pain, gasping and moaning, and Levi took the few steps to his bedside.

“Don’t move too much, I’ll get you what you want.”

“I just want to hold you.”

Levi felt his heart do that weird fluttery thing again, and his gut twisted. Levi stroked his hair, trailing soft fingers down his cheek. Erwin caught his hand and kissing his fingers.

***

Something was wrong. Very wrong. He could see it in the absence of kindness and understanding. He could see it in the fractured, fragmented blue of Erwin’s eyes. Something had been broken. Shattered.

“Are you just going to ignore me?” Levi asked from the chair opposite Erwin at the desk, the same place he’d been sitting for the past fifteen minutes.

“I’m busy, Levi.”

“Since when have you ever been too busy to not pay me the attention I deserve?”

Erwin always stopped what he was doing when Levi joined him. Brief, snatched moments of intimacy in an otherwise colourless day.

“It’s rude.” Levi continued when Erwin carried on writing.

Something was very, very wrong; and Levi’s heart started to thrum faster.

“And what about that note I put under your door, the one where I asked you to come to my room?”

“Perhaps it went under the carpet?”

A spike of anger, but Levi pushed it down.

“You don’t have a fucking carpet in your room.”

Erwin put down his pen with a bang: “Levi, I’m trying to work and it’s already hard enough with this hand, without you talking at me.”

Levi’s heart clenched. In all the time they’d known each other, Erwin had never spoken to him in that tone.

“After all this time we’ve been apart. After everything I did to get you freed. I thought you were going to be hanged. I thought you were going to die and I’d never see you again, and it would be my fault because I wasn’t good enough, because I didn’t do enough. I was so fucking scared, Erwin. And this is how you are?”

“I don’t have time for this right now?”

A kick in the teeth after what Levi had just admitted. The fear was now growing, overshadowing anger and disappointment and rejection. Fear at what had been done to Erwin in that shitty fucking prison cell, by those shitty fucking military police.

Erwin stood up and moved to leave the room, Levi cut him off, grabbing his arm. Erwin flinched and pulled away.

“Don’t touch me, Levi.”

His words bounced around in Levi’s head, getting louder and louder.

“What did they do to you?”

Erwin shook his head, but his eyes told everything Levi needed to know. Shattered. Broken. Fragmented. Fractured. Levi’s first instinct was to get angry, angry enough to go and find the bastards that had done this, and when he did, he’d cut off their fucking cocks and shove them so far down their throats they choke on them till they suffocated to death.

But that wouldn’t help Erwin. Erwin who had seen the knurled, thick, ugly scars on Levi’s heart and had navigated his way around them to fit snugly in the middle.

Erwin moved toward the door again and Levi stepped in front of him this time.

“Please, Erwin.” he beseeched. “We need to work this out. If you love me at all, we need to work this out.”

Erwin stared at him, eyes full of fear because of what Levi was saying, because of what it would mean, because of what he’d have to admit to happening to him.

“Let me help you.”

Now it was Erwin who had scars on his heart, knurled and ugly and thick, and Levi would have to learn to navigate his way around them to once again fit snugly in the middle.


End file.
